You’re Irish..you’ve had soft boiled eggs shoved up your ass everywhere…and shoved up everywhere. -back fence banter
Animal hospital banter
Clinic assistant- how does it feel when you're tired?
Rahkiim- you feel fucking tired you moron. What do you think being tired feels like?
clinic assistant- I guess being tired.
Rahkiim- I'm sorry what? Get over there. Don't come near me. I don't wanna catch your stupidity. I'm too tired.
-Husband- I was in the marines for 4 yrs. -jim- wow. Really? Good for you....– The back fence.
So much for slow
Meet someone in bar on Saturday Decide he’s absolutely my kinda perfect even after finding out how much baggage he drags along with him. Spend every day with him since Saturday. Totally convinced he’s “the one” by Tuesday night. I think it’s probably feeling some type of way bout the same type of thing… Guess it’s time to admit that i do believe...
*looks at Eli’s face after the last play and pretends to be him…. ...– boyfriend
Say what’s real.– Cuz to have known me would mean that there’s a new me and if u think I changed in the slightest coulda fooled me. -drake
It doesn’t matter if your face looks fat…you’re still a...– Tali Keteri
Yep..ima just sit here and cry now. Does that make me a coward? Does it make...– Tali Keteri
Pathetic and immoral has reached a new level.
It’s pretty bad when the only man around to offer some support and assistance in a medical emergency is the married man with 2 kids who’s supposed to be nothing but a good friend. I find myself catching feelings….not because I’m going to do anything about (for god’s sake he’s married) but because he’s there. I guess it’s an emotional attachment if...
Post Mortem Feminism- This..you should read. →
“Ain’t no problem in this life that cannot be solved with a hot cuppa tea. And a sawed-off shotgun.”
Grow some class bitch.
Bartender: I was watching the Golden Globes and all I wanted to do was give Madonna an Adderall and punch Elle Macpherson for thinking she was ever glamorous. Look to your left ladies and Kate Winslet will show you how its done.
Directv....I hate your face
Honestly, I have never dealt with a company whose customer service is truly 50/50. I have had some terrible customer service reps in my day but to hit and miss 50% of the time is crazy. It’s almost positive that if I get a shitty one at first and I hang up and call right back that the next one will be helpful. Good thinking there massive entertainment providing corporation. It baffles...
I am more terrified now than I ever have been in my life. Lord knows admitting fear has never been my strong suit. Guess there’s a first time for everything.
Where the fuck are you?
For someone who claimed to always be there no matter what happened because I was always there for you….you are the ONLY one who is never there when I need someone the most. And for that sir, I hope I forget you exist. Then again..hope doesn’t really play into the scenario. I’m good enough that I can make myself you never existed within a few minutes if I allow it. Good riddance...
A bartenders rant about a female Russian patron who happened to be more racist...– An angry Irishman
If your convo is private...go to your private...
My roommate is never in his bedroom. Ever. Barely even to sleep. That’s fine…considering he paid for everything that lives in the living room. The issue is that it’s an open living kitchen. So if you want to sit in the living room on the couch and have a private conversation..it’s not going to happen if someone just so happens to be cooking in the kitchen. You can see and...
It’s too late for an abortion so we have to put him up for adoption– Laurie
Free- I'm going to asault you one day...
Free- Like beat the shit out of you assault you
Lori- he's a puss. Does nothin but talk shit.
Tali- what type of bouncer is he?
Free- I'm the best
Lori- he's such a fucking pussy that's what type of bouncer he is. He's a bitch
.Tali- I hate you both
I'm putting him up for adoption.
Bartender- I'm going to put Adam up for adoption.
Tali- don't send him my way..babysitting my brother is not my idea of a good time.
Bartender-dont worry I'm not gonna put that on you. Im going to put an ad in the newspaper that says "free grown ass child to home + a free puppy"
Tali- but they'll send him right back and keep the puppy. That defeats the purpose.
Bartender- the puppy is what makes people think it's a good package. We have to trick them into thinking that they only get the puppy if they take Adam too.
Tali- I'm sure there's someone stupid enough to fall for that.
Free- yea t...you.
Valid point there sir.
Yep. I'm a masochist . Rihanna and Em confirmed...
It’s morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you’re awfully sorry That you pushed me into the coffee table last night So I can push you off me Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy Baby, without you, I’m...
When does Blue Ivy Carter's album drop???
Tomorrow….It’s Hov he can make baby crys sound like a 16 bar beat box with no autotune…what? ya’ll didn’t kno? I’m just sayin..
That would be a special kind of alcoholism…sitting at home knitting...– the back fence
I hope you choke on a furby– Sunee Darling
Sunee: Ok luv have a good new years...don't go gettin the Ghonnaherphasyphachlamyamacrabales. It's a bad look for the new year. lol
Boyfriend: I don't know what that b..but yea..I'm gucci
Sunee: ..it's grossness that I don't want like ever.... wait..what? You're a $4200 trademark patterned purse? I hope so cuz that'd b better than bein gucci about what the ghonnaherphasyphachlamyacrabales consists of.
Boyfriend: I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT B...
Sunee: Break that big word down there luv....No? Um It b a dirty bitch who harbors every STD ever invented and passes it on to stupid pussy hungry man who don't double wrap their shit.
Boyfriend: oh. ha ha Yea I get it...nah I'm Gucci.
Sunee: Dumbass...what I meant by that was don't be dealin with the dirty bitches on new years eve...pick the clean one. lol
Boyfriend: Oh...aight! I'll try. This party I'm going to gon b crazyyyyy....What are you doin for new years?
Sunee: Wow. Um ok Sir...First...y did I have to explain that sleepin with dirty bitches is an issue? Secondly, when I said pick the clean one I was definitely implying myself. Thirdly you're a scumbag.
Boyfriend: Ha don't worry I'll be careful.
Sunee: that definitely just made you more of a scumbag....if that was even possible
Boyfriend: Miss you babe!
Sunee: REALLYYYYYYYYYYYY???????? really?! Wow you're simple. God made the biggest mistake ever when he let you fall outta your mama's vagina. I bet he high fives himself in the face with adams rib every time you speak out loud.
Boyfriend: You better behave on new years babe.
Sunee: Wow. wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope you choke on a furby.
Good illiterate talk luv. Happy we cleared that up.
Happy new years Gucciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Ya clown.
Did you know that if we don’t have a neurosurgeon on the...– House
You just made my want to gut my jugular with an ice cream scoop in front of 47...– Tali Keteri
I hate your face. Fix it.
Coworker: Do you like anyone?
TK: Not your face.
TK: Yep, I said it. I hate your face. Fix it.
Coworker: You're so funny!
TK: I now hate your brain more than I hate your face....and I never thought that was possible.
Coworker: You have such a great sense of humor.
TK: You are the biggest moron I've ever seen...for real real.
Coworker: ha ha haaaa ha want a coffee?
TK: ughhhhhhhh *facepalms and intentionally stabs finger with a 18g needle to find out if i'm just stuck in a reoccurring nightmare
Even my breath is getting fat– Bartender
Do you know what full is?
I leave my dungeon (also known as my bedroom) to put some dishes in the sink and throw some stuff trash away in the kitchen garbage. I pile the dishes in the sink and note to myself that I should really wash what’s in there before deciding that I definitely don’t feel well enough to do them now before moving on to throw the 2 tissues in the garbage. As I go to push the swivel garbage...
Walks in bathroom to find another bit of proof that no one else in her house...–
Clean my fucking pan you moronic twatsatchel.
I have a roommate. He uses my pan. Often. He then lets the pan sit for days with bacon grease in it. Often. And then doesn’t understand why I threaten to smash his face in with said pan. Like every day. And gets upset when I put the hard grease stuck bacon pan in his bed. At least once a week. My roommate does not comprehend why this makes me want to pancake his face with a...